TRANSFORMERS:
Movie night in Hell
If there is indeed a Hell, I have no doubt that Transformers plays on a permanent loop there. I feel confident in saying that my opinion on this movie is very clear at this point in time. However, for those who may read this review before any other, allow me to properly articulate my thoughts on the work: I would rather stub my toe every five seconds for the rest of my life than sit through this thing again. This 2007 abomination, directed by the infuriating Michael Bay, is noise mixed with plot holes with a coat of blue and orange paint slathered on.
Transformers, based on the cartoon and toys of the same name, centers around Sam Witwicky, a teenager who gets wrapped up in a war between two rival factions of robots. As cool as that may seem on the surface, the final product is more devoted to incomprehensible fighting and mangled pieces of hardware being one-dimensional. You may or may not have noticed I’ve avoided using the word “film” in this review. That is because the term tends to denote some merit, some redeeming quality that allows a work to be seen as art. Let me assure you all: There is no redeeming aspect of this movie. Perhaps it’s due to the work; perhaps it is due to my upbringing watching the cartoon this movie is based on. Regardless, Michael Bay’s affront to art is something not worth forgiving.
So, as always, how is the plot of Transformers? You should know from the opening paragraphs that this won’t go well. When Sam gets pulled into a war between the righteous, pure Autobots and the nefarious, completely-evil Decepticons, he sides with the obvious choice in their pursuit of the legendary McGuffin (I’m sorry, I was just informed it’s actually spelled AllSpark). What does this McGuffin do? Whatever the plot requires it to do, of course! Need to create some robots? McGuffin it. Need a robot to die? McGuffin it! No explanation for why it does what it does required! It just… Does. Really, the only thing this handy cube can’t do is give this movie a decent plot. Speaking of the plot, the ensemble also includes Sam’s parents as well as his love interest Mikaela, a character so forgettable that I honestly had to google what her name was when writing this sentence. Sam’s parents really are essential, necessary to stop the plot in order to make masturbation jokes. Megan Fox’s Mikaela, meanwhile, is there purely to look good for the camera while Sam stutters awkwardly. The really criminal thing about this plot is that it had potential. The base elements, the human trapped in the middle of intergalactic war, actually could be interesting if they didn’t spend so much time utilizing the same joke about Sam hiding giant robots from his friends and family that have been done a million times. In the hands of a more competent scriptwriter, this genuinely could have been a good product. But, as they apparently didn’t have one on hand, we got this incomprehensible mess instead.
Next on the chopping block is the sound and, let me tell you, I’m pretty sure I’ve violated the Geneva Conventions in my writing of this review, as I’m sure this qualifies as torture. You see, the soundtrack is forgettable. It’s so forgettable, in fact, that I could not remember a single tune after sitting through Transformers. Instead, I decided to listen to the musical score for the movie. Out of the hour I wasted listening to this score, ninety percent of the songs sounded like the same movie trailer music with slight, barely noticeable variations. What didn’t sound like the same song on repeat ended up sounding borrowed from other, better songs. One such song, Decepticons, sounds like O Fortuna being played on the other side of an office fan. Did you like the score to The Lord of the Rings trilogy? Wait till you hear Optimus try to recapture that magic with a slightly more modern beat. Don’t even get me started on the slightly goofy take on the Mission Impossible theme that is Witwicky. With the music clearly getting me steaming, what about the sound mixing in Transformers? When it’s not either goofy or “inspiring” dialogue over the dull music, it’s a muddled combination of the sounds of metal scraping on metal while people scream and explosions go off in the background. All in all, the sound in this movie is about as redemptive as saying “I’m sorry” after pushing someone down a flight of stairs.
The stylistic elements of Transformers have a lot of failures, but also a small bright spot in this otherwise terrible movie. First, let’s talk about the color scheme. It’s blue. It’s orange. It’s boring. When your entire color scheme is that easy to describe, there’s something wrong. Look at the characters and their color schemes and you’ll notice a lot of blue, yellow, and silver to line up with the only two colors in the movie. The closest we get to a vibrant color is the character of Ratchet and his greenish-yellow hue. In fact, try to tell the silver and black Autobots from the silver and black Decepticons. It’s not an easy task. However, let’s look at the designs of the robots. They actually don’t look bad at first glance, especially with their complex bodies. The longer you look at them, however, the more awkward and overly-designed they look. Sometimes, a sleeker exterior can actually add more to a character. We can tell these are robotic cars without wires and motors exposed. I will give them some credit for the spectacle of watching the cars become robots. Honestly, the transformation sequence showing how the cars shift into robots is actually kind of interesting… The first time. Sadly we get too much of a good thing as the movie makes you sit through this type of display around 35 times, oftentimes stopping everything in order to shove your face into the effects. By the end, these sequences, much like the movie itself, are worth dreading.
There is some value in re-watching Transformers, I must say. That value, however, is in seeing what to avoid when making a film. Within this review, despite my slight hyperbole, I’m being completely serious about my feelings on the topic of this work. I have heard the excuse that “it’s just a movie” regarding the quality of this product before, defending mediocrity for having images and music that allows the audience to turn off their brains for two hours. That doesn’t make the excuse valid. Look at Iron Man, a film from the following year that I expected to be of the same, awful quality. Instead, it was an interesting story of one man’s dramatic shift in perspective and the struggle against that shift by those surrounding him. There were still action sequences that would allow that escape, but the film had an interesting narrative and memorable characters. This movie did not. This movie is a warning to all future summer blockbusters, a work that should be looked at with a critical eye so we can avoid the mistakes of the past and have movies that can reach an audience, regardless of how much attention they pay. Beyond that single perspective, do not watch this movie a second time.
I do not refer to Transformers as a “film.” Film is a term that is earned through hard work, a desire to create something that will connect with an audience and give them a perspective unique to this one, single piece. The movie in question does not fit that title, however, as there is nothing to say in Transformers short of “look at this!” The plot is nonexistent, the sound is forgettable, the sights only entertain for a portion of their time on-screen, and it should not be watched a second time. Transformers should not even be watched a first time. In the pursuit of giving my honest opinion, I have now seen this movie three times. If I never see it a fourth time, I’ll have lived a happy life. Instead, spend your money on Pacific Rim or Edge of Tomorrow, great sci-fi action films that can entertain both an active and dormant mind. Don’t see Transformers. Save that for movie night in Hell. “Happy” viewing.